The landscape of modern romance is quite bleak. It should seem strange after all considering the amount of ways to meet a potential partner is now infinite. It is mind boggling to imagine explaining this to someone who lived only just decades ago whose partner pool was very likely limited to the people who lived in their direct vicinity. In time, as the technology evolved, our focus was violently shifted. Societal forces and cultural winds took a sledgehammer to our traditional understanding of the standards of dating, the expectation of love, and the goal of marriage and a family. This was done with liberation in mind but what exactly were people being liberated from?
Unmoored from our collective traditional understanding it seems we’ve forgotten not only why we held these ideas sacred in the first place but the joy and happiness they brought so many for so long. We’re quick to be told this model may not work for everyone but yet it persisted as the golden standard anyways. The greatest casualty of this war was the one thing that truly actualizes a relationship. So there is no wonder as to why it has become the thing so many people seem to fear the most.
Love. Love has died.
It has been slandered as not only undesirable but outright antithetical to the end goal of modern romance. There is an argument to be made that the fear is justified. Falling in love is the ultimate form of vulnerability. But in that vulnerability lie true beauty and joy. To not love may be to not risk heartbreak, but it is tragically to never allow yourself to feel what makes life worth living. With love dead, what has come to stand in its place?
Love has been replaced by transaction. A relationship firmly rooted in love requires sacrifice. Sacrifice that is born out of a deep commitment to the other. In a transactional relationship no such sacrifice is required. The sole goal for each individual is what they can take from the other. It may be sex or status or even the comfort of not being alone but at the end of the day there is no foundation on which the relationship is built. There is always an exit strategy. As soon as an individual isn’t holding up their end of the bargain, the deal is done.
In such a relationship there is no security, no trust. If falling in love is marked by the vulnerability of giving yourself to the other, transactional relationships are marked by the anxiety that no contract binding the two individuals exists. That anxiety builds the barrier that holds back the ability to build and create trust. If you cannot trust someone, you cannot love them. At a societal level this quickly devolves into a game. If relationships are defined by transaction, then people’s attitude towards them will be defined by maximizing what they can get. This isn’t irrational as to what do you owe someone from whom you have no love for? What standard exists beyond an air of basic decency?
Men and women are both guilty. You can say we have been duped but that removes our complicity in perpetuating it. From male playboys and womanizers to women with triple digit body counts and OnlyFans models, everyone across the spectrum has found a way to take what they can get and run as far away as possible from any commitment and love. Is it any wonder that we find nearly 4 in 10 people between the ages of 25-54 without a serious partner? It is a very real response to not wanting to get used, to not wanting to risk heartbreak for someone who is only looking to get something out of you.
Love can be a risk, for that there is no doubt, but what of the risk of spending decades upon decades alone and loveless? It will be a sacrifice now, giving up the short term pleasures, but it is the long term payout that is worth it. All relationships cannot be fixed at once but they can be fixed one at a time but conscientious people who believe in cultivating a deep love between them and their partner. Love is based on sacrifice and trust and it is these foundational pillars we must rebuild brick by brick. We must show people that it is worth spending a life time exploring the soul of someone who isn’t you.